Inadequate

Inadequate. That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t exactly know if this is the right time to be doubting oneself, but I really have no other way to express myself except through writing.

I’ve told close friends that I feel pangs of anxiety lately, that I could barely focus and concentrate on the many things that need to be done.  I feel kind of useless just being in school, doing work that doesn’t feel as important at the moment.  What’s weird is the fact that it is important and that I need to do all these things as well, but I just can’t find the strength and will to do them well.

Two years ago a friend of mine told me that I had difficulty balancing my personal and professional life, that if one part suffered, the other one was greatly affected as well.  Hah! Perhaps he read me correctly.  It surely looks like I could barely hold myself together.  In fact, I’ve been trying to make myself cry for two days thinking that it would ease this burden I feel in my heart.

Death. It feels so ever present in my life right now.  It all started two weeks ago when my very bestest friend’s husband died. I felt her pain. I felt how lost she was and as she cried and poured out her fears to me, I felt empty as I we parted ways.  Then, this storm came.  It was historic… There had not been a storm this strong in years.  I was glued to my TV all day on Friday onwards.  The news kept pouring in.  I didn’t notice it at first.  In fact, I had even managed to squeeze in some MotoGP time in between, but as stories kept getting worse, I just felt the need to move.  I couldn’t sit still and I couldn’t process all the scenes on the television screen.  I feel guilty.  What am I doing here?  What am I doing to help?  It’s not enough.  Worse, there’s this side of me cheering myself on, telling my weak heart to be strong for this is not the time to be negative.  My poor colleagues are probably sick of me talking nonstop about the same news over and over.  Heck! I’ve even managed to give such a depressing speech to my class about not really knowing what the future holds. LOL. Talk about bringing your problems to work. Hah!

The fact is, I don’t even understand why I’m so affected.  I mean I get that many people are concerned, but I am just up to a point that I am so depressed about it.  I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m lost.  But then again, who am I to complain? I’m sitting in my room, eating good food, typing away ranting about my own pain when so many people have lost everything…. 

Inadequate.  That’s how I feel.

And just to end this blog on a positive note, I believe in  my heart that things will be better, that we will not let this tragedy break our spirit.  We may be down, but we’re not out.  Faith. Hope. Love. These, I hold very dear in my heart.

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