Dark Shadows

Amidst the hustle and bustle of finishing a lot of paper work, I received a few tweets and messages of World Teachers’ Day greetings from my former students.  Such expressions of gratitude make me smile and feel sentimental.  After all, it feels nice to be remembered even a number of years later.  More importantly, it’s sort of self-affirming to hear them say you’re their favorite or that you taught them a lot.

These words of thanks, however, as they kept coming, started to make me feel a wee bit of doubt.  Favorite teacher?  Words of wisdom?  Life coach?  Did I really?  And if I did, why don’t I feel like it now?

Sometimes, I truly feel like I am but a shadow of my former self.  I remember the times when I came to class with such vigor, excitement and inspiration.  It didn’t take much to make me smile… think… work… fly… soar… and to just simply embrace teaching!

I don’t know what has changed or if I have.  I don’t know if I still do things right at all.  I just know something is not quite clicking.  I often feel I don’t do enough and that I don’t do much.  It’s a bad place to be in as a teacher. 

One thing that I do know is that there is nothing else I’d rather do.  Teaching is not only my job… It’s what I love to do.  I just need to figure out some stuff, I guess.

Coincidence it may be that, on this week of all weeks, I asked my Writing class to watch “Freedom Writers” with the goal of inspiring them to write their own life stories.  What’s funny though is that while I was watching along with them, I sort of started to think if God tapped me to have them watch the movie, so that I, too, could appreciate it’s message.  I actually had to stop myself from crying a few times.

Something’s missing. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.  Hopefully, the upcoming break I’m having soon will allow me to find out.  

In the mean time, I’d just like to say, I may be in the dark shadows right now, but there is still that big bright light–my students!  Let it be known, this post is not about you. It’s about my shortcomings and my intense desire to make up for them.

Enough of that.  Tomorrow is another day. Smile. 

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